Killing Me Slowly
by xXMiss-GoddessXx
Summary: Stella is spending the holidays alone once again but this time, she feels even worst than the years before. Will something happen to make her feel better?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of CSI:NY, I just write the stories!

**Killing Me Slowly**

Since I was born, luck has never been on my side. Life has never smiled to me in any way—or when I thought it did, the consequences came to hunt me afterwards. The only thing I could be grateful to have was my job and my good friends, my team. Beside that, the rest of my life was pretty much filled with sorrow, pain and disappointment. Every single time I thought being finally out of it all, something happened to bring me back to the ground. Someone once told me "It always rains the hardest on the people who deserve the sun." — I now understand it very well. Of course, I still wonder why it is that way. I always am so careful with everything—well I try to be anyway. I admit I've done a few mistakes in my life—I'm not perfect—but compared to some others, I consider myself pretty much on the right path.

I finished preparing my cup of hot chocolate and went to the living room to watch the snow fall outside. Winter was so beautiful and so peaceful... yet there still had to be crimes in New York City. This time of year was always jolly—more for some than others, of course. But I still liked the holidays even if I spent them alone most of the time. I would just sit around in my apartment with some snacks I had made and listen to Christmas music. Some would find it pretty boring but I liked it that way. That of course if nobody at the lab had decided to make a party. In those cases, I went. I can still remember our Christmas party of a few years ago. Danny had invited us all at the bar—everyone had gone too. We had had a blast—even though everyone kept on insisting that Mac and I dance together. We had accepted after all and it made them happy. I couldn't deny I had enjoyed the dance—it was actually pretty fun. I had seen a side of Mac I had never really seen before. The guy was quite a dancer. I wish it could be like this again this year... unfortunately, it wasn't. The year after, Mac had spent the holidays with Peyton and everyone else seemed to have plans. I had spent the entire time thinking, wondering, hoping. And going out alone wasn't really pleasant—well not for me. It was Christmas Eve and I felt pretty alone already. Thinking I still had Christmas Day and New Year's Eve to go through kind of depressed me. Usually, I never really felt that way but this year, I felt lonely. The atmosphere in my apartment was so gloomy, so dark. I had prepared a few snacks earlier but I wasn't really hungry. I turned around and looked at my Christmas tree—it seemed to be the only light in the whole place. I had decorated it in middle November, thinking it was better that way in case I had some plans. I knew by then that almost everyone was gone or was celebrating with family but I still had hope some people would be alone like me so that we could've celebrated together. Unfortunately, everyone had their own plans.

I sat down on the couch with my cup of hot chocolate to warm me up—it was so cold even my purple wool shirt couldn't warm me up. I turned on the television but unfortunately, nothing interesting was playing—only crappy romance movies. Even Christmas movies had to be romantic now! I watched the news for a few minutes and then decided to turn off the TV. Listening about crimes didn't interest me tonight—I dealt with them everyday.

I sighed and reached for my cell phone on the table in front of me. I went through my entire list of contacts to see if maybe, by some chance, someone would want to talk to me. I stopped when I reached Mac's name... Nah, he was probably with Aubrey and I certainly didn't want to disturb him. Not that I wanted to spend the evening with him—just a little chat wouldn't have hurt. I just felt like I needed to talk to somebody to get me out of this gloomy, depressing mood.

I threw my phone next to me on the couch—I guess I was going to be bored like this all night.

I rose from my seat and ambled towards the fridge to grab a few cookies and wine. I assume if I wanted to have a little more fun, I had to drink some alcohol.

I quickly chugged my hot chocolate and grabbed a long glass in the cupboard. I poured the liquid and then remembered the box of chocolate and the shrimp ring I had bought two days ago. I took all my snacks including the wine and went to the living room. I still had some deserts in my fridge but I didn't want to gain ten pounds only tonight. I drank and ate, drank and ate until the shrimp ring was empty and the alcohol started to kick in. Tonight, I really felt Greek.

On my way to the garbage bin in the kitchen, I remembered the leftovers of pasta from the night before. I smiled and grabbed a plate. There was only enough for small plate so I didn't have to feel bad. It seemed like the more I ate, the better I felt. But unfortunately, the more I drank, the more I thought of Mac and Aubrey. There was something inside of me telling me to hate her but my conscience told me not to. I had learned to act with my head instead of listening to my heart and I still had to do so to avoid being caught in a mix of emotions, of deception and guilt. I didn't want to hurt anyone and certainly not destroy my wonderful friendship with Mac. Losing Mac would hurt me more than anything else—it would kill me. Mac was the only family I had when things went wrong. He was the only one who was capable of giving me back my sanity when I just wanted to get crazy. The only thing he had to do was look me in the eyes or give me a smile and I was back to my old self again. Without him, I'd go crazy. Losing him would be losing everything—I would have no reason to live anymore.

Sometimes I would wake up in the morning wondering what was the purpose of life, of carrying so much weight on my shoulders when everything seemed so useless—when I seemed so worthless. Why give myself so much trouble, why waste so much energy? There were times in life when even breathing would become laborious. But what happened when you didn't want to breathe anymore, when you didn't have the strength? You died, that's what happened. Sometimes I felt as though even if I would die, nobody would notice, nobody would even care. Before, Mac made me feel like I was worth something, like people actually cared about me. But now, Mac had Aubrey in his life—it wasn't official yet but I was sure it was coming. Just like with Peyton—but Peyton seemed better for him. I was getting along pretty well with her. I couldn't say I hated Aubrey—I didn't even know her that much. She just didn't seem right for him.

I poured some more white wine into my glass—my sixth glass. Alcohol usually woke me up but now, it depressed me more than ever, it sunk me into that large pool of sorrow, of pain, of darkness, of depression. Every sip sank me lower and lower, soon drowning me in my misery. I couldn't believe I was sitting here alone, feeling sorry for myself while some others were out partying and having a good time. I chugged another swig and let the liquid tickle my tongue all the way down my throat to the pit of my stomach. My head was already starting to spin but I didn't care. I was tired of living in a world I didn't like—I wanted to escape to a better place instead. Maybe the more I drank, the more my problems would go away, the more unconscious I would feel. Being fully awake would only force my mind on things I didn't want to think about at the moment. But unfortunately, it resulted in nothing at all once again. I ate some more chocolates and cookies and then made myself another glass—one more. Then one more turned into a second one and a third one and last thing I knew I was up to my eleventh glass. I didn't even know how I could still be alive, how I could still stand on two feet.

I turned on the radio and raised the volume full blast. I didn't even know the song but the beat was good. I danced and danced until conscience told me to sit down before something happened. For the first time in my entire life, I felt like and alcoholic, trying to drown my pain in alcohol. I just felt as if I was slowly falling apart, as if there was no other was to patch things up. My heart had been broken so many times in my life, shattered into thousand of pieces.

A knock on the door was what woke me up, forcing me to change back into the Stella Bonasera form. I took a deep breath and found the courage and the strength to stand up and walk to the door. I gently turned the handle and opened to whoever was standing behind. My green eyes narrowed as I tried to paint a clear image of the person who was in front of me. It took me about half a minute to put the blurry pieces together to see a clear face. "Mac? What are you doing here?"

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Here's the first chapter, I will post the second one as soon as I'm done with it. Hope you liked! :)


	2. Chapter 2

I was more than surprised to see him here—I didn't expect this at all. It was only at that exact moment that I started to worry about my looks. "Uh, come in, I'll be back in a sec, okay?" I simply said, not waiting for a reply on his part. I let him in charge of the door and walked to the bathroom, counting and watching my every step. I didn't want him to see I was drunk. And I especially didn't want him to notice the sadness hidden behind my shell. I took a quick glance at myself in the mirror and it's only then that I noticed the tears rolling down my cheeks—I had cried. I fixed up my eyeliner quickly and went back to the living room to find a confused Mac. My eyes were red but I didn't care—Mac wouldn't ask any questions. Well, I hoped...

"Had a rough night?" he suddenly commented, a smirk hung to his face. I frowned and followed the direction of his blue eyes—the wine bottle. Damn, he had seen the almost empty wine bottle. "Uh, well it was only half full," I lied. I knew he didn't believe me just by the look on his face.

"So what are you doing here anyway?" I asked him after a moment of silence.

"Well I figured out you'd be alone too tonight so instead of staying home bored, I decided to come and see what you were doing."

"Oh, I see... but you don't have any plans?"

He frowned. "Plans? Me? What kind of plans?"

"Well I thought you might want to spend your holidays with Aubrey."

"Aubrey?" he repeated. "We aren't that close, you know."

"Well I just thought you would... anyways, what do you wanna do then?"

"Well I won't ask for any wine since you've only got this left."

"No no!" I quickly replied. "I have another bottle in the fridge."

"You do?"

"Yes but it's red wine. You have no problem with that right?"

He shook his head 'no'. "Anything's fine with me."

I smiled. "Good then." I went to the kitchen and reached for another glass in the cupboard. Then I went to the fridge and grabbed my other bottle of wine. I wasn't too sure if I was going to tough so long on that bottle but I would try. I poured some in two glasses—a little less in mine—and went back to the living room. "Nice chocolates you've got there," he said, looking at the box on the coffee table. "I guess I shouldn't have bought you some." I rolled my eyes. "You bought me chocolates? That's ridiculous, Mac. You shouldn't have. I didn't even buy you anything. I feel cheap now."

"Oh don't," he said, handing me the box. "And I bought you a little something else." He gave me a small blue box which I quickly recognized. "Tiffany's... Mac, you really didn't need to do this..."

"Well I wanted to," he said. "You deserve it anyway—a hard worker like you. It's certainly the least I can do."

I smiled and carefully opened the little box. It was a beautiful necklace with a chic heart pendant ornamented with sparkling diamonds. "Oh my God, Mac, that is way too much. I mean..."

"Stop complaining and turn around." He took the necklace and placed it carefully around my neck before fastening it. "See, it looks beautiful on you." I smiled at him and gave him a hug as well as a quick kiss on the cheek. "Thanks, Mac. I love it."

"I knew you would."

My vision was bugging me tremendously now—that's without mentioning the enormous need I had to throw up. My head was spinning, my stomach twisting...

"Mac, uh, I'll be right back, okay?" I didn't even wait for a reply—I went directly to the bathroom.

I quickly grabbed a small cup and poured some cold water in it before chugging it all in one shot. I let the liquid freeze my throat and took a deep breath—I didn't want to get sick, not here, not now, not with Mac around. I breathed in, breathed out, in and out for a few minutes but even that didn't seem to help.

I turned back and collapsed in front of the toilet. Everything went out—I guess too much food and too much wine wasn't the most genuine idea. As I was regurgitating, I heard the bathroom door opening.

"You okay, Stel?" Mac asked, worried.

"Fuck," I simply let out.

"Is there something I can do...?"

"Yes, go to the living room while I'm having my embarrassing moment maybe."

He chuckled at that. "Don't worry, I've already seen this. I guess the bottle was not half empty after all."

It was my time to laugh which wasn't good for my stomach—I threw up again. Once I thought I was finished, I sat down on the floor and looked up at Mac. I couldn't believe he had just seen me in such an embarrassing condition. "Yeah well I decided that instead of depressing alone, I would have some fun with myself." I frowned as the last words escaped from my mouth. "Uh, not in that way... I mean... yeah, that didn't sound right at all..."

Mac laughed. "Oh, I totally understand what you mean."

I rolled my eyes and rose from the ground. "I didn't think you were that dirty minded, Taylor."

I flushed the toilet and went back to the living room. "So you wanna do something?" I asked him.

He shrugged and sat next to me on the couch. "I don't know..." he replied in almost a whisper.

"You want more wine?"

"Nah, I'm fine," he answered. "I wouldn't want to end up looking like you."

I gave him a light tap on his arm. "Still have some respect, please. Maybe I do look like a mess at the moment but there is a reason behind it." Damn, I just should've kept my mouth shut...

A frown was drawn on his face and he asked me what the reason was. I took a deep breath and poured some more wine into my glass, knowing it would only worsen the situation. I chugged it in a matter of seconds and placed it back on the table in front of me. "Mac... I..."

He placed a hand under my chin and made me look at him. "Stella if you're only worrying about the possibility that I can get into a relationship with Aubrey, you can stop right now."

My eyes widened at his words. "No, but Mac... that's not what I..."

"Stella, just shut it."

He leaned forward and pressed his soft lips against mine. I could already feel the thousands of butterflies in my stomach—God the feeling was so great. It caught a few good feels and drew back, confused. "M-Mac...?" My headache was starting already which didn't help my perplexity. "Oh God, I think I'm gonna die..."

"Whoa, that's great. My point was to make you feel better..."

I chuckled. "It did, just the stupid alcohol fucks everything up."

"Eat a few chocolates, it might help."

"Yeah, that's what you want; get me drunk and aroused. You know chocolate's an aphrodisiac."

"Of course I know. Why do you think I bought you some?"

I gave him another tap, this time harder. "You sick man!"

"So you were jealous of Audrey?"

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "I wasn't jealous, I was only a bit disappointed in you."

"Disappointed in me?" he repeated with a frown.

"Yeah, I mean, you can do better than that."

"Like being with you instead?"

I made a face and smirked. "Maybe."

He chuckled. "Nah, Aubrey's nice but she's not my type. And I haven't known her as long as I've known you. I know everything about you and you know my entire life. We've been through everything together and we understand each other like no one ever could."

I smiled and looked down at my nails. It was the very first time Mac was opening up to me. He always avoided telling me how he felt—especially about me. Yeah of course, sometimes he told me he appreciated me but everything seemed to always lead back to work. So tonight, it was kind of shocking.

"I've always loved you too, Mac," I said. I just never had the courage to tell you. I guess I was afraid..."

"But afraid of what?" he said. "That I would reject you?"

I shrugged. "I can read you like an opened book Mac but for that, I couldn't foresee how you were going to react. I mean, Claire was your everything, she meant the world to you. Yes, there was Peyton after her but still... You just seemed like you didn't want to get into a new relationship. I was afraid you wouldn't feel the same way about me." I took a chocolate from the box Mac had given me and shoved it in my mouth. I've got to admit, they were amazingly good.

"Look Stel, even when I was with Peyton, I thought about you. Even when I was with Claire I thought about you..." The last sentence was only a whisper but I still heard what he had said.

"You...what...?"

"Yeah, I know it's wrong but I was still attracted to you. From the moment I met you, Stella..."

I leaned forward and kissed his sweet lips. It didn't take too long before the kiss deepened and the moment intensified. He took me by the hips and laid me down carefully on the couch. He started kissing my neck, down to my shoulders. I moaned in pleasure as I felt his warm hands under my shirt—God the man was good at this. He stripped my shirt over my head and reached back for my lips. That's when I took charge, pushing him to the floor and falling over him. He smirked and ran his hands down my spine. Shivers struck through my entire body—the feeling was so great.

"God, Mac, I love you, I love you so much," I said, breathless.

"I love you too, baby." He ran his hand back to my upper back and started playing with my brassiere. I started to feel the intense pounding in between my legs—I needed him and I needed him now. The brassiere came off so did his shirt. Not taking the time to unbutton it, I ripped it open and threw it away. I ran my hands on his chest, his abdomen, feeling every muscle move at the light touch. "Mmmm, Stella baby..." he groaned. I reached for his belt and quickly undid it. That's when he took back charge, pushing me back down on the floor with haste. He climbed onto me again and stripped my pants off me. I could feel his body pressing against mine already, his breath in my neck, against my chest. I could hear our hearts beating in sync, next to each other as the moment approached. The moment of complete ecstasy, of intense passion, of total elation. "Mac, I wanna feel you..." I moaned, in agony for his love. I could feel his bulge in between my legs already though he wasn't completely ready yet. His warm hands caressed my breasts, down to my stomach, my legs and back up my thighs. I could feel his lips everywhere on my body but still, I needed more of him. "Mac!" I yelled impatiently. "Come on, baby..."

"Oh Stella, Stella... beautiful Stella..." He slid his tongue in between my lips, exploring every crevices of my mouth. Then it finally came, the moment I had been waiting for, the moment where our souls united, where our bodies united. My green eyes rolled back into my head and my body arched as he entered me. The only thing I could concentrate on was him, as his strong body thrust against mine.

"Oh Mac!" I screamed, expressing my pleasure. "Macccc!"

I didn't want the moment to end, I wanted it to last forever. I hadn't had such a great orgasm in my entire life—only Mac could make me feel so good, so alive. My heart was racing in my chest, the adrenaline pumping through my body, the blood rushing through my veins... I could feel the sweat of both our bodies sticking on each other. Then, it ended, leaving me breathless on the ground.

"Oh God, you're good..."

I could honestly say it had been the greatest Christmas Eve of my life...

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Hope you liked! Next chapter coming soon..


	3. Chapter 3

**Here's the third chapter, hope you like! :)**

I woke up the next morning, blinded by the sun. I glanced at the radio-clock beside my bed which read 10:12. I smiled as I felt Mac's hand on my back, travelling all the way to my stomach, pulling me closer to him. "Good morning, baby," he said with a smile. I had never seen that kind of smile on him before—he seemed so happy. "You're the one who makes me feel that way," he said, just as if he had read my mind. I smiled back and started crushing his lips with mine. I climbed onto him and ran my fingers on his conspicuous abs, sending shivers through his entire godlike body. His gorgeous blue eyes were shining like crystals, just like the night before. I finally saw that spark of light in his eyes, that spark I hadn't seen since Claire died. "I love you, sweetheart," I whispered against his sweet lips. "Promise me you'll never let me go..."

"I'll never leave you no matter what happens, Stella Bonasera," he replied with a smirk I couldn't resist. His response comforted me and I knew he really meant it. Mac would never lie to me in any way—he was too good to lie. I kissed him again, this time more passionately and grasped at his waistband. I could feel him harden in between my legs already and smirked. "Oh you think you're gonna get me that easily, eh?"

I jumped out of the bed and ran outside my bedroom, knowing he would quickly catch up with me.

I ran to the bathroom and locked the door before he could come in.

"Oh, come on, Stella..." I heard him say as he was knocking on the door. "Come on, open up."

"Hey, if you're so good you would break in. Come and catch me."

"Oh, Stella. I wouldn't want to destroy your door anyway."

I laughed at that and turned on the hot water. "Destroy my door? Come on..."

"Stel..." I could see he was getting impatient and it excited me even more.

"I told you what to do." I got undressed and got into the shower, letting the hot water warm my dead-cold body. "Baby, what'cha doing?" I heard Mac say behind the door.

"That's for me to know and you to find out!" I knew he wouldn't break in on me; he was too decent.

"Stel!" he yelled. "Stop this, please."

"Hey, stop what?"

"You don't have the right to do this to me and then leave me."

"What did I do?" I asked innocently.

"Oh, you know damn well what you did."

After a few seconds of silence, I started to wonder; I guess he had given up. But it's when I heard the door slamming that I realized what had just happened. The shower curtain flew right open, making me scream in surprise. "Mac!"

"You really thought I would let you get away with it, uh? Well you were wrong, honey."

He got underdressed too and got in the shower with me. I laughed as I realized Mac wasn't as prudish as I thought he was. I took a few seconds to admire his amazing physic. Mac worked out everyday and looked as good as ever.

He thrust me against the wall and started kissing me. I could feel his soft lips everywhere on my body, feeling like a burning sensation on my skin. "You know you really shocked me, honey," I said. "I didn't think you'd do it."

"I guess there're still a few things you don't know about me."

His hands travelled up and down my back, sending frissons along my spine. I could feel his arousal against my thighs and squealed in excitement. "Oh Mac, baby..."

My respiration was more and more rapid and I almost forgot how to breathe as the moment was close. He sucked the skin in my neck which made me giggle. Then he softly slid into me, groaning as he felt my muscles slowly tightening around him. "Ah, Mac..." I sighed, feeling my eyeballs spinning back into my head already. He kissed me again and plunged even deeper into me. "Maccccc!" I shouted, pressed against the wall and his strong body. "Agh baby!"

"Ah, Stellaaa..." he said, concentrating on the intensity of the moment. "I love you..."

We satisfied each other's hungry needs and then, it was all done. We finished our shower and got ready for the day ahead of us. Mac went to his place quickly to change into new clothes and came back to my apartment after. "So whadaya wanna do today?" Mac asked me.

"I wanna be with you," I answered, wrapping my arms around him. "Just that. I love you..."

He smiled and kissed me. "I love more."

I chuckled and leaned my head on his shoulder. I could feel the warmth of his body against me, making me feel safe, protected. "You know, I never thought this would happen. I thought that it was impossible for us to be together. Though I had so much hope inside me... I had that little voice telling me that maybe it was possible but I never really believed it. I guess I should have listened to it more."

"And I should have done this move way earlier," he said. "Now I think of all those years we could have spent together and that we've missed... I'm such an idiot."

"No you're not!" I said, running a hand on his flawless face. "I could have told you earlier too, about how I felt about you. I was just too damn afraid. We were both just too stupid. We let our fear control us."

"The important thing is that we're together now," he said, holding me tight against him. "Let's just enjoy every moment we have."

I smiled and kissed his lips again. "So what about I prepare a nice breakfast and then, well, we'll see where the day takes us."

"Sounds like a good idea."

I decided to make some pancakes since it was a bit more Christmassy than my usual Christmas breakfast. I usually just had peanut butter toasts—yeah, tell me about a nice traditional holiday meal! "Smells good, honey," he said, wrapping his arms around my waist. "You know you look really beautiful today...?"

I grinned. "What? I usually don't?"

"You always do honey but I've gotta say that this outfit is pretty sexy."

I had decided to wear a nice red shirt which showed some cleavage with my new pair of black jeans.

"Calm down you hungry beast," I chuckled. "You're not like I thought you were, Taylor."

"You're the one who makes me act like that," he replied.

Once I was done cooking I placed the pancakes into plates and poured some syrup on them.

"It's not a lot but it's the only thing I have," I said.

"It's fine with me," Mac replied. "If it would be a normal Christmas morning, I probably wouldn't even eat."

"Yeah and I would've gone with the boring peanut butter toasts."

"Sounds exciting," he commented.

"Oh for sure it is!" I replied. "So what do you wanna do after this?"

"Oh, I think I've got something in mind..."


End file.
